When HR Finally Rules the World...

As always, being sick leaves me with too much time on my hands.  The following is my musing on what happens when HR finally rules the world.

Invasive Human Capital Corp.

“Our people are our most disposable asset!”

First Name:                                                 Last Name:                                 Middle Name:                                                  

Maiden Name:                                          Aliases:                                         Childhood Nickname(s):                              

Social Security Number:                                    Blood Type:                    Height:                             Weight:                   

Hair Color:                                                   Do you dye your hair?            If yes, original hair color:              

Street Address:                                                    City:                           State:                    Zip + 4 (+ 4 required):            

Please list the names, addresses, phone numbers, e-mail addresses, social security numbers and blood types of your neighbors.

                                                                                                                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Date of Birth:                                 Place of Birth:                                        Type of Birth (Natural or Caesarean):     

Name of doctor who delivered you:                                                        Their Medical School:                    

Address:                                          Phone Number:                                   E-mail:                                                 

Have you ever been convicted of a crime?          

If yes, what did you do?  (Please include your dates and places of incarceration and the name and blood type of your cell mate.)                                                                                                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                                                                                                             

Do you have any physical defects that we can use to exclude you from our applicant pool?

Arthritis	Weak eyes	Menstruation	Genetic Defects
Gout	Annoying facial tics	Menopause	Ingrown Toenails
Flatulence	Circumcision	Pregnancy	Handicapped

Do you have any of the following character deficiencies?

Picking your noise.	Failing to put the toilet seat down (men only).	Failing to use a turn signal.
Eating ice cream directly from the carton.	Watching any of the Real Housewives series.	Failing to attend weekly church services.
Not eating enough vegetables	Yelling at your children,	Staying up too late.

Work Experience

Most Recent Employer:                                                                                                                                                               

Street Address:                                    City:                       State:                                Zip plus four:                                     

Name of direct supervisor:                                              Phone number:                        E-mail:                                     

Your direct supervisor’s home address:                                                                                                                                

Date of birth:                                                                         Name of the doctor who delivered them:                       

Supervisor’s social security number:                      

Name of direct supervisor’s spouse:                           Phone number:                        E-mail:                                     

Spouse’s date of birth:                                                      Name of the doctor who delivered spouse:                    

Spouse’s social security number:                             

Please list all the names, dates of birth, social security numbers and the names of the doctor(s) who delivered the supervisor’s children.

(If the supervisor is childless, please provide a separate written, notarized statement explaining why. If more or less than three children, please provide a separate written, notarized statement explaining why.)

                                                                                                                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                                                                                                               

List every piece of software you used at this company, the version and release, your level of expertise, years used.

Software	Version	Release Number	Years Used	Last Time Used	Level of Expertise

Please indicate your level of expertise with our company-specific software:

Obscura Human Capital Software Tools                                                                                                                                 

Oblivious Office Communication Design Suite                                                                                                                    

Noone Time Management and Accounting Software                                                                                                     

YoosLess Functionality Suite                                                                                                                                                      

Buggie Efficiency Power Matrix                                                                                                                                                

Please list your qualifications and accomplishments using the exact same wording contained in our opportunity posting in the space provided below.  Failure to do so will result in an automatic rejection by our highly trained and skilled Human Capital Screening Software.

                                                                                                                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Click to add work experience

(Applicants with fewer than 20 years need to provide a separate written, notarized affidavit.)

Certifications

Do you have any certifications?  Please select from the list below and specify the date received, the name of your instructor, their blood type, home address, phone number, social security number, and any other pertinent information you feel will help your candidacy.

Advanced Stapling	Walking with Purpose	Spoon Mastery
Hand Washing	Fundamentals of Breathing	Television Operation

Education

Name of College:                                                                                             Years Attended:                                              

(If your college is not Harvard, University of Central Florida (UCF) or the Florida State University (FSU), please provide a notarized letter from the college president verifying that the alleged college does, in fact, exist.)

Degree:                                    Major:                                                              Minor:                              GPA:         

(If no minor, please use the space below to explain why you were such a slacker.)

                                                                                                                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Most number of beers drunk in one night.                                      

Extracurricular activities:                                                                                                                                                              

(If fewer than 20, please explain your failure to maximize your time at college).

Name(s) of your roommate(s), current addresses, social security numbers, phone number, e-mail address and blood type.

                                                                                                                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Name of your college advisor:                                        Where did they attend college?                                           

Address:                                                                                                                                                                                             

Phone number:                                                                    e-mail address:                                                                            

If deceased please provide a funeral program, the name of the cemetery in which they were buried and a list of attendees at the funeral and their current address, phone numbers and e-mail addresses.

High School:                                                           Year Graduated:                   GPA:             

Most number of beers drunk in one night.                                              

Extracurricular activities:                                                                                                                                                              

After school jobs:                                                                                                                                                                           

(If none, please provide a separate written, notarized 1000-word minimum explanation.)

Awards, Publications, Patents:

Please list all award, published materials, and patents held.

(If none, please use the space below to explain why we should still consider you for this position.)

                                                                                                                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Pre-employment Testing:

Invasive Human Capital Corp. uses a variety of psychological and intelligence test to determine a candidate’s suitability.  Please answer all questions honestly.

	Most like me	Somewhat like me	Not at all like me
I like to cross dress.
I eat the last donut.
I like to yell until I get my way.
I think stealing is ok.
I cheat on my spouse.
I abuse substances.
I cheat on my taxes.
I like to make fun of people.

Problem Solving

1. Balance the following chemical equations:

a. Mg+H3PO4-->Mg3(PO4)2+H2
b. (NH4)2SO4+KCO3-->NH4CO3+K2SO4
c. SiO4+H2O-->H4Si+O2

2.

3. What is the air speed velocity of a sparrow?

Wrapping up

Is there anything else you wish to tell us that we can use to exclude you from the candidate pool?

Disclaimers

Invasive Human Capital Corp. is subject to the Gingrich Bill (H.B 2013.13.13 that deregulated US hiring practices and restoring our ability to participate in unfair hiring practies.  All information provided will be used as IHCC sees fit.  Your application may or may not be used in games of trash can basket ball.  If your application makes it past our HR screening software, it will be carefully examined by a highly-trained recent graduate of FSU with over 5 months of experience.  Candidates can be assured that IHCC will hardly take any time to review your application.  If you successfully manage to get past our stellar team of recent college almost-graduates, we will recommend your resume to the hiring manager who will probably be threatened by your age and experience.  They will immediately tell HR that you don’t have the proper skill set and we might send you a friendly and warm rejection letter.

Remember:  Human beings are a renewable resource!

Thank you for your complete submission.