As always, being sick leaves me with too much time on my hands. The following is my musing on what happens when HR finally rules the world.
Invasive
Human Capital Corp.
First Name: Last Name: Middle
Name:
Maiden Name: Aliases: Childhood Nickname(s):
Social
Security Number: Blood Type: Height: Weight:
Hair
Color: Do you dye your hair? If
yes, original hair color:
Street
Address: City: State: Zip + 4 (+ 4 required):
Please
list the names, addresses, phone numbers, e-mail addresses, social security numbers
and blood types of your neighbors.
Date of Birth: Place of Birth: Type of Birth (Natural or Caesarean):
Name of doctor who delivered
you: Their Medical School:
Address: Phone Number: E-mail:
Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
If yes, what did you do? (Please include your dates and places of
incarceration and the name and blood type of your cell mate.)
Do you have any physical defects that we can use to exclude you from our
applicant pool?
Arthritis
|
Weak eyes
|
Menstruation
|
Genetic Defects
|
Gout
|
Annoying facial tics
|
Menopause
|
Ingrown Toenails
|
Flatulence
|
Circumcision
|
Pregnancy
|
Handicapped
|
Do you have any of the following character deficiencies?
Picking your noise.
|
Failing to put the toilet seat down (men only).
|
Failing to use a turn signal.
|
Eating ice cream directly from the carton.
|
Watching any of the Real Housewives series.
|
Failing to attend weekly church services.
|
Not eating enough vegetables
|
Yelling at your children,
|
Staying up too late.
|
Work Experience
Most Recent Employer:
Street Address:
City: State: Zip plus four:
Name of direct supervisor: Phone number: E-mail:
Your direct supervisor’s home address:
Date of birth: Name of the doctor who delivered them:
Supervisor’s social security
number:
Name of direct supervisor’s
spouse: Phone number: E-mail:
Spouse’s date of birth: Name of the doctor who delivered spouse:
Spouse’s social security number:
Please list all the names, dates
of birth, social security numbers and the names of the doctor(s) who delivered
the supervisor’s children.
(If the supervisor is
childless, please provide a separate written, notarized statement explaining
why. If more or less than three children, please provide a separate written,
notarized statement explaining why.)
List every piece of software you used at this company, the version and
release, your level of expertise, years used.
Software
|
Version
|
Release Number
|
Years Used
|
Last Time Used
|
Level of Expertise
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Please indicate your level of expertise with our company-specific
software:
Obscura Human Capital Software Tools
Oblivious Office Communication Design
Suite
Noone Time Management and Accounting Software
YoosLess Functionality Suite
Buggie Efficiency Power Matrix
Please list your qualifications and accomplishments using the exact same
wording contained in our opportunity posting in the space provided below. Failure to do so will result in an automatic
rejection by our highly trained and skilled Human Capital Screening Software.
Click to add work experience
(Applicants with fewer than 20
years need to provide a separate written, notarized affidavit.)
Certifications
Do you have any certifications?
Please select from the list below and specify the date received, the
name of your instructor, their blood type, home address, phone number, social
security number, and any other pertinent information you feel will help your
candidacy.
Advanced Stapling
|
Walking with Purpose
|
Spoon Mastery
|
Hand Washing
|
Fundamentals of Breathing
|
Television Operation
|
Education
Name of College: Years Attended:
(If your college is not Harvard,
University of Central Florida (UCF) or the Florida State University (FSU),
please provide a notarized letter from the college president verifying that the
alleged college does, in fact, exist.)
Degree: Major: Minor: GPA:
(If no minor, please use the space
below to explain why you were such a slacker.)
Most number of beers drunk in one
night.
Extracurricular activities:
(If fewer than 20, please explain your
failure to maximize your time at college).
Name(s) of your roommate(s),
current addresses, social security numbers, phone number, e-mail address and
blood type.
Name of your college advisor: Where did they attend college?
Address:
Phone number: e-mail address:
If deceased please provide a funeral
program, the name of the cemetery in which they were buried and a list of
attendees at the funeral and their current address, phone numbers and e-mail
addresses.
High School: Year Graduated: GPA:
Most number of beers drunk
in one night.
Extracurricular activities:
After school jobs:
(If none, please provide a separate
written, notarized 1000-word minimum explanation.)
Awards,
Publications, Patents:
Please list all award, published materials, and patents
held.
(If none, please use the space below
to explain why we should still consider you for this position.)
Pre-employment
Testing:
Invasive Human Capital Corp. uses a variety of
psychological and intelligence test to determine a candidate’s
suitability. Please answer all questions
honestly.
|
Most like me
|
Somewhat like me
|
Not at all like me
|
I like to cross dress.
|
|
|
|
I eat the last donut.
|
|
|
|
I like to yell until I get my way.
|
|
|
|
I think stealing is ok.
|
|
|
|
I cheat on my spouse.
|
|
|
|
I abuse substances.
|
|
|
|
I cheat on my taxes.
|
|
|
|
I like to make fun of people.
|
|
|
|
Problem
Solving
1. Balance the following chemical equations:
a. Mg+H3PO4-->Mg3(PO4)2+H2
b. (NH4)2SO4+KCO3-->NH4CO3+K2SO4
c. SiO4+H2O-->H4Si+O2
2.
3. What is the air speed velocity of a sparrow?
Wrapping
up
Is there anything else you wish to tell us that we can
use to exclude you from the candidate pool?
Disclaimers
Invasive Human Capital Corp. is subject to the Gingrich
Bill (H.B 2013.13.13 that deregulated US hiring practices and restoring our
ability to participate in unfair hiring practies. All information provided will be used as IHCC
sees fit. Your application may or may
not be used in games of trash can basket ball.
If your application makes it past our HR screening software, it will be
carefully examined by a highly-trained recent graduate of FSU with over 5
months of experience. Candidates can be
assured that IHCC will hardly take any time to review your application. If you successfully manage to get past our
stellar team of recent college almost-graduates, we will recommend your resume
to the hiring manager who will probably be threatened by your age and
experience. They will immediately tell
HR that you don’t have the proper skill set and we might send you a friendly
and warm rejection letter.
Remember: Human beings are a
renewable resource!
Thank you for your complete submission.
